did the holidays heal me?
the annual reset
December is my favorite month. Friends from afar visit for the holidays and it’s only a matter of time until they’re all gone again so I make sure to milk the most of it every year. It’s the only chance I get to see most of them so despite the size of my social battery, I make time. It’s also my birth month! Although in recent years, birthdays have felt less like celebrations of reaching a certain age and more like reminders of it.
Seeing my friends during this time feels like a gift. When people make it a point to see me during the holidays, it re-centers me from the neurotic “I haven’t spoken to this person in awhile, they must’ve forgotten me” thoughts I have throughout the year. If December is the party you’ve been anticipating, January is sobering up the morning after. This year I’m severely hungover.
I find it really hard to be intimate over text. Gathering people in a room face-to-face does so much more for me. Opening up to someone via digital communication feels oxymoronic. Putting myself in a position of emotional vulnerability while texting oftentimes amplifies existing feelings of loneliness I have the moment I realize I’m alone at my desk attempting to spill my heart out with fast-twitch thumbs. It’s not like I hate texting. It’s all we have sometimes. Especially being in my mid-twenties now (ew gross), my closest friends are working or across the country. Since we’re no longer tied to the things that conveniently bound us together in the past like school or being on the same sports team, we resort to the most convenient form of connection for the least convenient circumstances: texting.
I like to think of texting as a catalyst leading up to the real one-one-one time we need. My closest friend who I talk to practically everyday refers to me as a saver because even though we chat all the time, I’ll save bigger things to share with her when we end up hanging out. So much so that she’ll question, “how did I not hear about this when it happened?” Truth is, I think the delayed gratification makes it better. There are obvious times and topics where things need to be hot off the press, but sometimes I don’t want to substitute the raw human quality of talking to someone face-to-face for words on my screen. I have an appetite for realness and truth and physically being with someone feels closer to that than texting does.
We wouldn’t even have taken this picture if Nolan (top right) hadn’t suggested it. I don’t take lots of pictures with my friends. Surrounding myself with people that make me forget my phone exists feels like a good thing but after the moment has passed, these feel good to look back on. Of course I want to live in the moment and be present but taking the time to capture a scene with friends feels good too. Recently it’s been bugging me looking at my camera roll or Instagram and feeling like it doesn’t really show evidence of the life that I’ve lived and the people I’ve lived it with. I don’t even have a photo of myself with my best friends and that hurts. If these moments healed my soul, photos of these moments could ease the hurt I feel when I miss them.
So more photos this year. Hopefully…
But really, friends fill my heart this time of year. I had pho with a friend who brought her new boyfriend which felt MONUMENTAL, went to a giant housewarming for my dear friend’s brother which was chaos but the good kind, and rekindled a friendship I was worried had slipped but after practically discussing her wedding plans, I’m confident we’re in the pocket again lol. I’m reminded that the number of people are rooting for me is higher than I thought, which feels powerful and reassuring after the year I’ve had.
The holidays heal me like they always had but this year felt different. I’m optimistic for what this year could bring but the added eyes on me add some weight to the equation. I so desperately want the moment where I text all of them good news for the sake of my ego and pride but if it doesn’t go too hot, maybe I’ll ditch the digital fake intimacy and go for what I actually need — a metaphysical hug in the form of FaceTime call. That feels like a happy compromise.
Life updates: I’ve submitted my grad school apps. Fingers crossed! Next time you open your phone and see 11:11, send a prayer out for your boy. Trying to write at least one Substack a month this year so starting off strong. I’m really excited for the next one. If there’s anything you want me to write about, dm me ;)
Thanks again for reading, I’m happy you’re here!