I loved this past year
and why you should try to do the same in 2025
Last year on New Year’s Eve, I celebrated by going to a dear friend’s house. We watched movies, bounced silly and not-so-silly resolutions around her basement, and stuffed 12 giant grapes into our mouths under her dining table in accordance to some tradition she saw on TikTok. It was a beautiful moment that got me really excited about the year ahead. Following my summer serving as a glorified pixelated paintbrush in Washington, D.C., I really struggled to find my footing after moving back home. I’ve experienced the growing pains of leaving my hometown and even visited a few times to temper that feeling, but nothing could have prepared me for the feeling I’d face coming back home and staying until……until I figured out was next, Seattle or not.
It took me a few months but in December, the dust I kicked up by coming home finally seemed to settle. And I was in a good spot! My work portfolio overhaul was complete, the state of my relationships with my closest friends was the best it’s ever been, and I was filled with optimism for what 2024 could bring. I had so much hope for the year that it seeped into my 12 goals. Sure, I came up with pragmatic ones like finding a new job, and funny ones like wanting to get a compliment from someone of OG stature, but the most auspicious goal of mine ended up being the one I wrote last. The idea had been on the tip of my tongue for awhile and took me writing goals 1-11 to find the right words, but it ended up landing in a place I felt good about.
12. start something (love)
Subtle enough that if I failed terribly, I could convince my friends that my futile attempts of dipping back into the love bucket still met the minimum requirements to call this goal achieved, but suggestive enough that the version of me filled with hope (delusional_phi.v3) saw this as permission to finally act on the feeling I’d been suppressing out of self-preservation for so long. Fast-forward to now, it’s December again, and considering how 2024 panned out while I stare at the notebook page where this is all written, I can honestly say that I did more than simply start something this past year — I loved this past year.
Love has always seemed like an insane risk to me. You get these feelings for another person and have no idea if their head’s in the same place. People say this is where clear communication swoops in and saves the day for most people, but I have a trap card called trust issues that prevents that from happening. Don’t get me wrong, hearing the words “I love you” from someone I care about elicits feelings beyond compare, but am I just supposed to believe you?!? Cool, you’re saying this now, which means you love me right now…but what about tomorrow? What about a year from now? What happens to your love when I make a mistake? What happens when you make a mistake? I’m not saying people need to attach terms and conditions to their words, but this is why love scares me so much.
Someone can drop the craziest words of affirmation/love bomb mixtape on you and not mean it. It doesn’t matter how hard they press their face into yours, or how hard they squeeze your hand in the passenger seat of your car, a space remains. So how can we ever truly be together? How can we know how someone really feels when the inevitable space between the things we say and the things we don’t leaves room for uncertainty. This is the conundrum I face with love: it’s a gamble and I’m high bidder.
The associated risk makes love feel so heavy but beautiful at the same time. We fully understand the consequences of putting our hearts on the line, and against all the odds, go for it anyways. It’s completely irrational but when I see so many people try their luck, it makes me feel less alone in trying for love too. This fortune I received after a post-movie dinner with the girl felt like the universe A.K.A Hong Kong Bistro was nudging me get off the fence and fall already. We shared a laugh about it before I drove her home. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole ride back. The scales tipped that night. “Who am I to deny the universe” I thought.
And so, I fell.
Some of my closest friends think I’m a psychopath. I pretend to be appalled at the accusations but deep down, I agree lol. I mean people are calling sambas and LA Apparel hoodies “fashion,” the man elected to run the country is going to make America more divided than it already is, and my local pho spot switched out their porcelain bowls for tacky metal ones. It’s out of control. With the absurd amount of nonsense going on in the world, it’s no wonder why people (including myself) are bugging out. So I’m not planning on beating the allegations at least for the next 4 years.
One of the symptoms of my psychosis is overthinking. I’m pretty existential and often lie awake wondering what the point of all this is. I think we can all exist with our own sets of purposes for living, all of which are valid, but I get stumped thinking about how to answer that question for myself. My 24-year-old brain hasn’t been able to come up with much. But when I’d spend time with this girl cooking for friends or chatting in my car outside her house, my brain stopped trying to calculate so much. Being with her was one of the few things that actually made me feel closer to the answer, more than wrestling with my thoughts ever could. It was kind of a beautiful thing.
We’d go to events in support of our friends which I usually find draining due to social anxiety and pressure to perform, but with her a lot of that went away. I’d still get anxious but pressure would be gone cause I didn’t feel the need to win people over anymore. The prettiest girl in the room loved me and I know because she told me so.
Like any relationship, we faced our own sets of struggles. We were both guilty of being poor communicators and I (like an idiot) took the lack of reciprocation as a challenge to prove my self-worth. I balled up my paper emotions and threw it at her hoping it’d be worth something. I made her a promise that her place was safe with me, but what about mine? What matters most is asking ourselves whether or not we want to continue. She ultimately decided I wasn’t worth it.
Now she is someone I no longer talk to and honestly it hurts a lot. There are things I’ve done that she can’t find it in her to work out with me, and there are excuses I still make for her because the alternative is believing that she didn’t really mean the things she’s said to me.
When friends bring her up in conversation, I smile for a second. For a moment, she’s back on the frontpage of my brain and I don’t mind because I miss her. Not in the needy or desperate sense, but in a way that pays respect for and honors the relationship we had. At my metaphorical dinner table, the seat next to mine still smells like Mojave Ghost from her being there lol. Someone might come in and serve the same functional purpose she did, but since my love for her is uniquely tied to her personhood, her absence is tied to a longing for the person I loved. I’m sad about it but her chair will remain there. I’m gonna give myself the gift of letting people surprise me because life is very long.
I’m rooting for her too. How can I be such a proponent of love and not wish someone I care deeply about the best in finding their own? So when she feels enormous pride in helping her man graduate from the Uniqlo AIRism Tee to layering the exact same tee but this time underneath a dress shirt, I’m gonna be clapping it up. But in all seriousness, she’s an amazing person who deserves the world and I really hope she finds the person that brings her closer to her answer.
I loved this past year and got ran through because of it lol. Obviously it wasn’t what I had hoped for at the beginning of the year but at least I fucking tried. And that’s more than most people can honestly say. I’m laughing now cause my friends reading this won’t be able to hear my voice saying those words but hey, maybe my literary voice can be different than my spoken one. We’ll see if it sticks.
But back to love. I’m sick of faulting myself for caring too much. I went for the thing that brought me closer to my answer and I encourage everyone to do the same. I don’t think anyone should be shamed over going for things that make them happy as long as you carry good intentions with you. It’s scary to take that chance and looking ahead to 2025, I’m not sure if I am personally ready to take that leap again BUT I encourage everyone to keep trying.
As this year comes to an end, I’d like to give a toast to everyone tried their heart out and searched for their answer this past year. It’s not easy and it’s something you should be truly proud of. If you have a friend or family member who loved this past year, give them a hug the next time you see them. It’ll all be worth it cause you’re worth it too.
Happy holidays! Hmm I’m thinking a goal for next year is to write shorter Substacks lol. But I’m excited to write more in 2025! For now I’ll take a short break while I apply for grad school and recharge with friends and family. Thanks for being here! Till next time!
- bō